Note: All written answers are paraphrased from Todd’s recording, while others contain exact wording.
- Question: Is international game – traveling from country to country to rack up “flags” or notches – good for beginner to intermediate PUAs? I got the idea from Roosh V and plan to do it in the near future.
Answer: Yes, it’s a good idea, you get to discover which game works in what country, what girls from various countries you like the best, etc. However, the bigger issue is thinking of women as notches. In Todd’s experience, the guys who have this mindset have trouble building connections, building comfort, forming relationships and hurts them in the long run. How does that help your relationships in the long-run? Overall, the men that I know that have this mindset are very unhappy. They also have very negative relationships with women – and life in general. No one becomes a better person in the relationship and will lead to a downward spiral of pain.
- Question: Why does my game regress back to beginner level when I approach moving sets (ie. I have mild AA, awkward, etc)? When I approach stationery sets I do just fine.
Answer: Here’s why: Moving sets are harder. They absolutely are. Every one that I do has what Todd calls an “inertia” or momentum of the set. There is a certain amount of energy I need to overcome to open the set. If they’re walking instead of stationery, higher the energy.
The only difference is that it’s just higher energy and the best result of a moving set is that it becomes stationary.
However, it’s weird that you feel nervous about them. It’s not weird that you would do worse in the case of moving sets. The thing here is that you’re clearly nervous about a bad result, about rejection, and nervous about the outcome. Which means that my focus, rather than being about learning, experimentation and having fun is rather on how the girl receives me.
So to that extent, I should get unnervous.
It really doesn’t matter and moving sets/stationary sets are exactly the same in the grand scheme of things in terms of what you’re trying to do: Which is putting your best foot and best game forward.
… But if I’m trying to get a result, then yeah, I’m going to be nervous; especially if I don’t know how to handle moving sets. For example, I haven’t practiced them, I haven’t worked on it, that lack of familiarity can also lead to nervousness.
So it’s not weird that I’m nervous about moving sets, however, it doesn’t make sense from a philosophical level because I shouldn’t be judging my outcomes that way (ie. fear of rejection, lack of familiarity, etc).
Don’t judge yourself by the outcome of a particular set. Judge yourself by the likely range of outcomes. For example, if I get a decent outcome in a really tough set, be proud of myself. But if I get a really good outcome in a really, really easy set be fine with that but it’s not that big of an accomplishment.
You shouldn’t be nervous about game in general, because it’s an endeavor with all upside and no downside. That’s the beauty of game. It’s like if someone gave you free lottery tickets. Each individual lottery ticket isn’t worth much, but if you’re getting it for free and there’s a chance of winning big of them – or even winning a little on them – then I’d be dumb not to take them, right? So it’s a no-brainer to take them. The same thing applies to game.
Every approach is like a free lottery ticket. All kinds of great things can happen and all kinds of sorta okay positive things can happen. Nothing really negative can happen.
- Question: With the Coronavirus Lockdown in full swing should I do either day or night game, I’m worried if I don’t go out my game will regress. You know the old expression, “If you don’t use it, you lose it”.
Answer: This isn’t a permanent thing. This may last a few weeks, a few months, or even a year. Even if it does last a year, it won’t last a year how it is now. There’s no way that the entire world is going to stay in their houses for a year. My guess is that a lot of game will be moving toward online game.
Other than that, missing a week or two of game isn’t going to kill it.
In the meantime, take this lockdown as an opportunity to review my (Todd) online material. Get up on your theory.
Addendum for myself: When Todd says to “review my theory”, I need to get cracking on “Evaluation” from the System in replacement for going out. Practice this every Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
- Question: When I’m out infield, there are days where my sets go “so-so” or bad and I leave the venue for the rest of the day to recharge for going out tomorrow. Is there a way to “reset the day” so I feel like I’m approaching anew?
Answer: Yes, absolutely. I just have to decide. Just say I’m going to go for a quick hour session, then go have a bite to eat, then go back infield. Relax, refresh, maybe like revisit any notes I had. Watch a video, chill out. Then literally just start fresh again.
For example, in poker, you have your ups and your downs. You want to have an accurate idea if you’re winning money or not, cause if you’re globally losing money you want to stop playing poker. And if you’re globally winning money you want to play a lot more. So you want a good idea of your overall results.
However, in poker there’s this thing where if you are losing called tilt. Where you start playing worse because you’re frustrated from losing or you start “trying to get back to even” or whatever. So one thing I would do – and it’s sort of like cheating, but like “good cheating” in a way – is restart the day, as if it’s the first time you’re ever going out. And hopefully, I start off with a winning session and feel like I’m winning again.
I can choose whatever sample size I need: It could be one set, it could be three sets or even ten sets. Try and look at the sample size of what’s going to be useful to you.
So if I’m having a bad day game session, look at it like I’m having a decent week. If I have three good days and one bad one, cumulatively look at my results and determine how I’m doing overall.
Alternatively, I could reset like “Alright, I’ve had a bad day, we’re going to throw that away, we’re going to discount that session, that was me being off. I’m going to go back in and try to win this session.”
Another thing I could do when I’m restarting a session is just change my focus entirely. Instead of having my focus on trying to get a result, change my focus on trying to learn.
So what I (Todd) would do if I was having a bad night, I’d be like “Oh, I’m having a bad night I’m probably not going to pull tonight, but I can work on a skill. So let me work on my push-pulls, evaluation, etc”. And that way it’s more of an analysis and research and kind of fun and messing around night as opposed to an outcome dependent night.
So instead of even resetting the session, just reset my objectives for the session.
What I (Todd) actually prefer is changing the nature of your focus, because it’s something you can control and something that’s not outcome dependent, but process dependent.
- Question: During day game after getting half a dozen or so rejections, this “aggression” comes over me. I generally land the next set by running this semi-aggressive, so-called “alpha male game”. Why is that?
Answer: It’s because you’re bringing a lot of intensity. When you’re bringing intensity to the table, you demand a response. They may respond to it positively or negatively, but you’re going to get a response.
When you’re feeling aggressive, you’re probably not half-stepping. You’re probably playing to win, you’re not hesitating, etcetera.
Todd has the same thing: When he has that intensity or aggression, he brings his full attention to the set. He brings his full focus and emotional energy to that next approach.
It’s very powerful. However, it should also serve as a learning lesson.
It means I need to bring more to the table. Trying to bring more intensity, bring more a playing to win and “fuck it, I don’t care” vibe.
Todd has it, a lot of guys have it. But to reiterate, it should serve as a lesson because it’s telling me what’s missing in all those other approaches where it doesn’t go as well – which is, that intensity and desire.
If I have intensity and desire in my approaches, they are going to go much, much, much better than they would otherwise.
- Question: I get more nervous meeting girls from my social circle than cold approach. Consequently, girls think I’m strange or weird. Why is that?
Answer: It’s probably because you’re acting strange or weird. It’s probably because you’re being hesitant. What Todd suggests is treating girls like normal. Treating girls like how I treat everyone else is a good step, then I can start flirting from there. If I’m not nervous around girls who are cute vs girls who are hot, treat the hot girls like the ones who are cute. Adjust yourself. Overall, treating girls as normal is the right thing to do. It’s a good baseline for everything else.
If I find that I’m acting weird around girls that I like, try and treat them exactly the same as I treat everyone else as a starter. And only add game that I know works.
It’s like the Hippocratic Oath of do no harm.
Just be a cool, normal person in all my interactions – and especially with girls I like – and then add little bits of game that are good. But at least I won’t be doing alot of weird behavior or negative, low-value behavior.
That should be a pretty good start for me.
To reiterate all of Todd’s points. First act normal, treat them exactly like guys I’m friends with -> Add in the flirting as spice as opposed to starting with the flirting.
- Question: Have you ever considered making a “Before you go infield” YouTube video to encourage beginners and intermediates PUAs to do their best?
Answer: Todd made a couple videos close to that. The best being “The Night Game Plan: How I Win Every Night”; however, Todd hasn’t made a specific video before you go out.
The thing about that though, anything that has to do with a “getting in state” thing or mentality thing, is that everyone does it differently.
The major thing about every approach that I do, is that it’s going to have me focusing not on monitoring how I’m feeling and not on checking in on myself all the time. Rather, I’m focused on something external – whether on what I’m about to do, focused in the moment, focused on an attitude or a mood or some form of external aggression or action that I’m taking in the real world.
Whatever it is, it’s focused externally.
If I’m focused internally I’ll keep thinking, “Oh am I feeling well? Am I okay? Am I feeling nervous? Am I in state?”
If I’m asking myself those questions, that’s an inherently bad thought loop.
The major criteria of every approach I take is to get my focus proactively out into the world, rather than reactive and internal.
So whatever I do to get that shift in focus is going to work for you.
- Question: When the Coronavirus Lockdown ends, alot of us cold approachers will have lost some of our skill. What do you suggest to bring us back to tip-top shape quickly and efficiently?
Answer: Todd suggests doing approaches, obviously. However, there’s also doing things outside of game so I feel better about myself. That I’m a version 2.0 of myself as opposed to a run-down, depleted version of myself when this whole lockdown ends. Because our external actions reflect our internal feelings about ourselves.
But mainly, whatever I did the first time around, do it again. So if I feel approach anxiety again, do an approach anxiety challenge. But don’t be arrogant about it. Don’t be like “Aw I’ve been gaming for five years, why do I have to do an approach anxiety challenge?” If you’ve been out of game for a month or two, why not?
Just give yourself permission to go back to the basics. Give yourself permission to work through it. But whatever skill you had in the past, you will get it back alot quicker than if you never had it.
Yeah, I’ll be a little rusty, but you’re not going to be fundamentally bad and I’ll get things alot quicker than a complete newbie.
So don’t think it’s wasted or don’t think my prior game skill will not contribute toward my future abilities.
- Question: How do I stop being needy with girls I connect with? For example I met my ex during daygame cold approach. I treated her like any other girl, but as time went on I began to get needy. I started becoming less like the cool fun guy she met and more desperate, horny dude.
Answer: Todd says it’s funny since most guys are the opposite. Most guys have this issue when a girl flakes on them or when they’re not doing as well. Most guys tend to get more confident and more comfortable as the relationship goes on. The mentality most guys take naturally, the one Todd thinks I need to take, is that relationships go both ways.
As the girl spends weeks and months with me, and as she commits more to me, understand girls it goes that way even more so and faster than me – particularly after sex.
Guys get more attached to girls pre-sex, girls get more attached to guys post-sex.
If I got into the relationship initially by doing a lot of chasing, a lot of trying and that kind of stuff, then I may start thinking I need more and more of the stuff. But I need to understand there’s this massive shift that occurs with a girl after sex. That’s when she decides to be in a relationship with a guy. And at that point I can sit back and invest less (ie. less game tactics, less texting, less calling, etc).
If I understand that I’m feeling that I am being needy, I could do some “fake it until you make it” for a little bit. Just adapt the behaviors of being less needy than I feel and most likely what will happen is that I’m going to get rewarded for that.
I’m going to see what I don’t get needy, she starts chasing me more. She starts acting better toward me – and that’s going to reinforce in my brain that’s the way to go to the point where it eventually becomes a habit.
So there are two ways to handle this:
The first is I’m aware of the problem. By asking this question I’m aware of the problem. I’m aware of the fact that I’m feeling needy so I can adjust behavior.
The other mentality though is to understand as much as it makes me get more committed and invested, so is she. And remind myself of that. Remind myself that yes, I want to lose her less than before, but she wants to lose me even less still.
Another thing that might happen is that when guys do alot of game or in a mentality where they are showing themselves that they’re attractive on a daily basis and decide to exclusively date one girl, they lose their reference points when talking to other women. They start to convince themselves they no longer have game.
So one thing I could do outside of my relationship is start being more social. Flirt with the waitress when I’m out, it’s completely fine. Have flirty banter with girls and remind myself I can do it. Keep myself in practice and remind myself that I’m attractive. That feeling of lack of options can definitely contribute to neediness as well.
Let’s reiterate the three solutions:
a.) Fake it until you make it and change behaviors.
b.) Understand she’s committing as much as I am if not more.
c.) Keep myself socially sharp and to practice flirting even if I do or do not capitalize on that flirting.
- Question: When I cold approach I intentionally choose a day game location a few miles away from my apartment so I can decrease the chance of awkwardly running into a set again or being recognized in public as “the pickup guy”. I don’t mind rejection, but how can I get over the fear of being recognized or exposed? I live very close to a park and supermarket filled with attractive women. I feel like I’m wasting countless opportunities due to this.
Answer: Todd says there’s a couple thoughts on this. The first is the world is a pretty big place and that may happen occasionally, but it’s worth it overall if it does.
Todd has had a couple of those awkward experiences himself. He remembers in college where he took a girl out for a date and when he went to her place the wrong girl answered the door. He realized that he dated this girl before by random chance at his campus.
Funny enough, both girls went on a date with Todd. It was a little weird, but not bad. Both of them had a wall up like it wasn’t going to go anywhere.
To reiterate, experiences like that can happen but he’s still alive. I’m still alive.
So one way is to say “fuck it,” I’m living and that’s that.
The approach I’m taking – structured game sessions – where I’m specifically going out to do game, not doing them in my neighborhood is a good idea. Doing them close enough that the logistics are good. Close enough that if I meet a girl there I can easily take her back or go to her apartment is useful.
However, it doesn’t have to be every girl I’m passing in my day to day life.
So Todd thinks setting aside structured time for game where I’m going hard for a bunch of approaches as seperate from the places in my day to day life actually is smart.
But that said if I’m doing say, a session, and I’m doing 10 approaches in 2 hours or something… then when I’m going about my life I do one approach in like every 4 hours on average because that’s how often I bump into an attractive girl. That’s a much lower ratio. I won’t be burning the venue to the ground.
However, at the end it’s a personal decision.
I can decide there are certain areas that are my “game zones” and my “I just want to live my life and not be bothered zones” or I can decide that “the whole world is my game zone” and if I burn out the area near me cie la vie or so be it.
The strategy that Todd would take is when he’s doing structured game, he would move it just a little out of his neighborhood of his day to day life. If opportunities arise, he would take those opportunities knowing that they wouldn’t be frequent enough to cause him any problems in the long run.
The question Todd asks is: Are the downsides really that bad? And what’s the upside? The upside is pretty amazing.
In most of these cases, the upside is really, really going to trump the worst case and so that should be my focus to Todd.
There’s a smart way and a dumb way to do things, but I should not be sacrificing obvious opportunities for potential future risk parameters.
- Question: How can I stop obsessing over pickup? It’s gotten so bad that my corporate job issued me a PIP (Performance Improvement Plan) since I’m so focused on prepping up to do cold approaches at the mall/college campuses after work. I’m a very single minded person and I honestly don’t want to end up like those guys in The Game who quit their full time jobs just to pick up girls.
Answer: What Todd wants me to do is set a specific time for game (ie. 4PM – 8PM) and for thinking about game, and then a specific time for work (ie. 8AM – 4PM) without any grey zones. Alot of people live their lives in a “grey zone” – which is when you’re half doing one task and half doing another task or you’re doing one task but thinking about another task – and what happens is you become inefficient with everything.
You’re not being very efficient with pickup when you’re half thinking about it. You’re not being efficient at work when you’re half thinking about it.
I’d be much more better off when I’m working… just work.
When you’re doing game… just do game.
Have a clear schedule between the two.
So during your work hours, you truly just work. Don’t let yourself browse forums, don’t let yourself watch pickup videos, etc.
And when you’re doing game, just game. Don’t think about planning things out at the office, etc.
I’m going to be more effective at both when I set aside time and that is my only focus. It’s how my brain works.
- Question: I’m able to be assertive in relationships and girls in general thanks to the PUA community. However, I still feel very beta, too nice, and passive in social interactions outside of girls (ie. lots of people think I’m too nice and will try and walk all over me, disrespectful, etc). How can I change this?
Answer: Todd states it’s not something I have to change immediately or rapidly. Whatever I’m doing – while not optimal – has gotten me so far to survive in life. I don’t need to make sudden, massive changes. I don’t need to suddenly go from Mr. Pushover to Mr. Alpha and pushing everyone else and being a bully.
So what Todd suggests is making small changes daily. Focus on one small thing each day I could do. It can be tiny. For example, if I’m not being assertive enough, one day, if I’m being asked a question, try and give a firm, strong answer rather than a maybe answer. It’s a tiiiiny thing.
In the grand scope of standing up for yourself, it’s not a big deal.
So instead of saying “Yeah…” or “Maybe…”, I’m going to give a firm “Yes,” or “No,” like when asked things for a day.
It’s not the most important thing in and of itself, but the mentality of giving firm yes and no answers and really stating your opinion, is a different mentality than the wishy-washy, appeasing, kind of way of going through life.
And that’s just one exercise I can do.
The good thing here is that there’s no rush in this.
Every step should be a step in the right direction. Every time I change something, in theory, I should be seeing a slightly positive change. These are small adjustments – so the benefits will be small, but I definitely should not be seeing negative feedback on it.
The best part about this is I won’t be overshooting massively.